27 September 2001

CD of the day:

i didn't write anything yesterday . . .
partly because what i wrote on tuesday was of pretty good importance . . .
and partly because i was too busy . . .
i have taken on a lot more responsibility at work and i will have to work extra hard to balance my efforts . . .
but balance i must as i feel a greater calling to make a positive presence available on this here www . . .
anyway, my project will be many over the next weeks . . .
i pray for continued strength and guidance . . .
'til i get more of a chance, here's tuesdays message again . . .


25 September 2001

CD of the day:

it is easy, as i watch the clouds roll in and pass quickly . . .
as the rain beats down on the street outside . . .
as the winds scream through the alleys . . .
as lights flicker and my satellite signal is lost . . .
[silence as it searches for its way] . . . it is easy (i repeat because of the extensive break of thought) . . .
under such circumstances, with all that has happened . . .
to assume a dire outcome . . .
to assert a speedy end to all we have come to known as comfort . . .
to say our time is short . . .
certainly it is shorter than it was yesterday . . .
by exactly one day . . .
that we are concerning ourselves with the things beyond our comprehension is an understatement . . .
naturally we are fraught with worry over this possibility also comes as no surprise . .
we instinctively are troubled by the thought of this possibility . . .
everywhere people are predicting the rapture . . .
the end times . . .
tribulation . . .
and we are vexed by this . . .
because we simply do not like change . . .
we can do with this vexation a number of things . . .
we can let the fear that comes with it permeate or lives . . .
jump at the sound of every roll of thunder . . .
every airplane engine overhead . . .
freeze at thoughts of "can it be?" or "is this the one?" or even as i did the other night . . .
"did i miss it?" . . .
this is not what God would intend . . .
and let's not make the mistake of thinking God is in the backseat on this coagulation of events . . .
He is most definately controlling all this . . .
and His plan is being fulfilled through this, not despite it . . .
that's right i said THROUGH it . . .
contrary to popular belief or opinion, this did not happen "behind God's back" . . .
or without Him knowing . . .
though it shook us with shock, it did not surprise God . . .
it is part of the great mystery that Paul talks about . . .
it is FAR beyond what we can see or comprehend . . .
but, as tragic and terrible an event it may be, it is most definately part of God's Will and Plan . . .
that may be tough to swallow, but we must . . .
to deny this would open the floor for questioning the wonderful work of Christ through the cross . . .
which is by the way the HOPE and PROMISE that can carry us through all kinds of adversity . . .
and SHOULD be our comfort . . .
with that perspective it is somewhat easier to understand and accept . . .
God's plan includes good and evil (uninitiated but allowed by God) . . .
and it all works for the ultimate good of those that believe in Christ our Lord and Saviour . . .
[now back to the original train of thought . . .]
God does not intend for us to live in paranoia . . .
besides the fact that what awaits us on the other side of this life can far greater than what we have grown accustomed to . . .
He says that He did not give us a spirit that can be "enslaved" to fear . . .
so that is not the route we should take . . .
another route, would be to completely ignore it and go about our normal daily business . . .
well, my friends, i for one have not had the best "daily routine" . . .
i have not sunken into the most appropriate of ruts . . .
i sin far too much and overlook too much and allow too much in my life to not make some changes . . .
and i'm not alone . . .
you'll be doing yourself a favor to admit it up front folks . . .
our approach to God in prayer must be one of humility . . .
so, ignoring the issues presented to us makes no positive steps either . . .
if there is anything understandable about evil actions in life, it is this . . .
they serve as a sobering reminder that life is short . . .
and oft times brings to mind some areas in our lives that we can improve upon . . .
and, dare i say, it is with this attitude that we must approach the future . . .
we cannot control the circumstances in which we live or die . . .
but we can control our actions . . .
and our responses to them . . .
if we learn nothing from this tragedy (we already knew evil existed) . . .
let us learn from our own mistakes . . .
evaluate the lives we lead and correct what we know is not right . . .
the easiest place to start is by putting our trust in God . . .
('cause then HE will make our paths straight . . .)
wow, what a promise, if only we accept it . . .
i continually pray for you . . .


24 September 2001

CD of the day:

[continued from yesterday's interrupted transmission] . . .
the picking is absolutely necessary as even the slimmest remainder of the cavity can begin spreading anew . . .
trust me i have had filling that later become cavities again . . .
because some remnant of cavity remained underneath the filling . . .
kind of a duct-tape job on the part of my former dentist . . .
[ see 27 August 2001's "DuctTape" entry ] . . .
anyway, it is good to know that God's solutions, no matter how painful or personal . . .
are permanent . . .
and while it's sad to think that we will lose some good with the bad . . .
which in some cases could be time better spent, talents better honed, opportunities . . .
the "filling" is as strong as the original tooth and less susceptible to cavity attack . . .
not to say that we should sin in order to get strengthened . . .
but to ease your mind, knowing that even though we've sinned . . .
God can still use us in powerful ways if we ask Him for forgiveness . . .
HUMBLY . . .
as it says in Psalms . . .
if my people will humbly come before me in prayer, i will heal their land . . .
(loosely) . . .


23 September 2001

CD of the day:

it seems pretty obvious that i don't write much on the weekends, huh?
well, i noticed that the hits drop dramatically anyway . . .
so here's a shocker, a weekend entry . . .
i'm watching football of course and enjoying the relaxing afternoon . . .
it was very touching to watch the pre-game activities at the various stadiums . . .
to watch these atheletes mingle with members armed forces . . .
waving flags bigger than my house . . .
singing "God Bless America" . . .
some praying . . .
some simply silent . . .
what a great witnessing opportunity, to be a professional athelete . . .
but, hey what a great witnessing opportunity, to be a neighbor . . .
a friend . . .
a member of society . . .
and though the events of the past weeks have brought many dire thoughts . . .
and claims of the end of times . . .
and it may be that way, but just the same . . .
just like any other day in history we can choose to face it in fear or confidence . . .
and hey, what a great time to be a witness . . .
and i was greatly encouraged to hear reports of an heightened sensitivity to "spirituality" . . .
but at a further glance a bit dismayed to see where the masses were turning for guidance . . .
NY Times top 10 books last week included many books discussing terrorism based on research .. .
and spotlighted the "prophetic" works of the likes of Nostredamus . . .
so where are we turning as a nation? . . .
to our knowledge rather than God's omnipotent wisdom . . .
to false prophets rather than God's prophetic revelations . . .
*big sigh* . . .
but i can't be disheartened long because i know God is in control as much now as ever . . .
and He is ever so faithful . . .


so i've been to the dentist quite a bit and a while ago on one such occasion . . .
i had to wait for a considerable amount of time as i showed up quite early . . .
well, God gave that time to me and gave me a number of illustrations to better understand Him . . .
i began to think about cavities because i have a few . . .
in fact my running joke is that my whole mouth is one big cavity . . .
it's pretty dry humor that i live by so you'll have to bear with me . . .
anyway, pretty nasty things these cavities . . .
they slowly eat away at your teeth and no matter how much you brush . . .
or how much milk you drink (calcium strengthens teeth) . . .
you can't rid yourself of a cavity once it's there . . .
you have to go to a dentist to purge your mouth of this villain . . .
and that's no small task . . .
i don't know exactly what the dentist does to fix my teeth and i don't need to . . .
i know it involves some drilling and scraping and some sort of compound that replaces the lost pieces of tooth . . .
i don't know the whole process . . .
but i know that i have to go to the dentist . . .
here's the parallel . . .
sin can eat away at your life . . .
it can tear you (and me) up inside . . .
and no matter what i do on my own . . .
i can't rid myself of my sin until i take it to God . . .
and He then removes it from me "as far as the east is from the west" . . .
some things to consider about this process . . .
in the drilling of the cavity, inevitably some good pieces of tooth are lost with the bad . . .
this is the part of the tooth that is directly attached to the cavity . . .
that clings to it, despite the threat it presents . . .
and in order to ensure that the cavity is completely removed . . .
you must part with these "healthy" pieces too . . .
this is where the dentist brings in the scraper . . .
and maybe it's the drills that bother some of you . . .
but it's the scraper for me . . .
with sounds similar to metal on chalkboard . . .
the dentist scratches and picks at the little pieces on your teeth . . .
this is often the slowest part of the process and sometimes it feels like you might lose the whole tooth . . .
it is a very tedious and personal part of the procedure . . .
and it is very necessary . . .


21 September 2001

CD of the day:

i have somewhat dropped the ball in the last few days . . .
i have become very anxious, nervous and upset over matters that are out of my hands . . .
i began to postulate on the timing of events that are not to be revealed to man . . .
i have been borderline obsessed with such things . . .
this has affected nearly every aspect of my life . . .
and now i will not allow that to continue . . .
certainly i need to continue my course of studying God's word and growing closer to Him . . .
but at a more controlled pace . . .
rather than the frantic pace i have been following in the past week . . .
because God is in control . . .
and when He comes back, it will be in perfect time . . .
according to His plan . . .
and i will be ready . . .
you should be too . . .


20 September 2001

CD of the day:

praise God from whom all blessings flow . . .
last night i slept the whole way through! . . .
i am finding ways to allow God to take away all the stress and troublesome thoughts that plague me . . .
and you know what? He wants to take them . . .
He doesn't want us to suffer . . .
He is weeping along with us as we mourn the loss of friends, family, neighbors . . .
He is not willing that ANY should perish . . .
but His ways are not our ways . . .
and they aren't for us to understand . . .
so we must press on to the goal . . .
finish the race . . .
hit the mark . . .
and when He comes to take us, He comes . . .
no need to stress the details . . .


19 September 2001

CD of the day:

you have never left my side
though sometimes feel far and near
when i wake in the night
weeping, gripped with fear

you have never turned your back on me
though sometimes i can't see your face
i'm plagued by constant uncertainty
i forget the wonder of your grace

you have never forsaken me
though sometimes i wonder why
i shudder at the thought of it
my eyes cannot stay dry

you have never forsaken me

you have never forsaken me

you will keep me.


"Listen to my prayer, O God,
do not ignore my plea;
hear me and answer me.
My thoughts trouble me and i am distraught
at the voice of my enemy,
at the stares of the wicked;

My heart is in anguish within me;
the terrors of death assail me.
Fear and trembling have beset me;
horror has overwhelmed me.
I said, 'Oh that I had the wings of a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest -
I would flee far away
and stay in the desert;
I would hurry to my place of shelter,
far from the tempest and storm.'

Confuse the wicked, O Lord, confound their speech,
for I see violence and strife in the city.
Day and night they prowl about on its walls;
malice and abuse are within it.
Destructive forces are at work within the city;
threats and lies never leave its streets . . .

. . . But I call to God
and the Lord saves me.
Evening, morning, and noon
I cry out in distress,
and he hears my voice.
He ransoms me unharmed
from the battle waged against me,
even though many oppose me.
God, who is enthroned forever,
will hear them and afflict them -
men who never change their ways
and have no fear of God.

My companion attacks his friends;
he violates his covenant.
His speech is smooth as butter,
yet war is in his heart;
his words are more soothing than oil,
yet they are drawn swords.

Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you
<em><strong>he will never let the righteous fall.</strong></em>
But you, O God, will bring down the wicked
into the pit of corruption;
bloodthirsty and deceitful men
will not live out half their days.

But as for me, I trust in you."

-Psalm 55:1-11, 16-23 (emphasis added)


"When I am afraid,
I will trust in you.
In God, whise words I praise,
In God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal men do to me?"
- Psalm 56:3-4


i cannot help but think that our time left is short . . .
in the past week and a half . . .
i feel that i have taken great strides in strengthening the faith i have in so many ways neglected the rest of mmy life . . .
and yet i am nearly overcome by attacks of doubt and fear . . .
certainly this makes sense given the nature of my walk and my nearness to God . . .
but sensibility falls far short as consolation for these trying times . . .
last night i sensed a great deal of activity . . .
my sleep was short, troubled, and sparse . . .
i kept waking up in equal intervals trembling . . .
each time my clock display repeated numbers (1:11, 2:22 etc) . . .
each time my first thought was that i had missed the rapture . . .
my efforts for prayer seemed nullified by my inability to focus . . .
i was literally petrified in bed and yet i know that i am saved . . .
the morning brought with it nausea and weeping . . .
i feel almost crippled and yet i know i must run the course of the race . . .
this fear that grips me has drained me emotionally . . .
and left me battered and worn . . .
i have no reason to fear . . .
and yet i fear . . .
i must hold on to the hope i have in Christ . . .
i pray God continues to strengthen me in the coming days . . .


18 September 2001

CD of the day:

Good came down and touched the world
we mocked Him
attacked Him
denied Him
Good came down and the world saw Evil

Love came down and touched the world
we rejected Him
persecuted Him
despised Him
Love came down and the world saw Hate

Right came down and touched the world
we insulted Him
assaulted Him
defiled Him
Right came down and the world saw Wrong

Wrong has come down and touched the world
it has shaken us
blinded us
defied us
Wrong has come down and we search for Right

Hate has come down and touched the world
it has seperated us
battered us
disturbed us
Hate has come down and we search for Love

Evil has come down and touched the world
it has beset us
terrified us
desecrated us
Evil has come down and we search for Good

Father open our eyes.


17 September 2001

CD of the day:

take courage for the time of persecution will come . . .
behold even now, the time is at hand . . .
it is strange to see and hear planes in the air again . . .
and stranger still that this is so . . .
given my location . . .
i can't help but be curious and wonder if i'll ever again hear a plane flying . . .
without turning a wary eye to the sky above . . .
i'm determined to not live in fear . . .
for if our lives are now led by fear . . .
we shall be counted among the casualties as well . . .

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'"
- Romans 8:15

and yet fear is very natural . . .
and fear is very prevalent these days . . .
and it should be . . .
but it should be a holy fear of God and not of the trials that are to come . . .

"I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth . . ."
-Isaiah 51:12-13a

May the courage of God be with us all . . .


yep, i took the weekend off from writing, but certainly not thinking . . .
i realize that i've spent much of my thoughts trying to determine the true significance of the past week's events . . .
and in actuality, they have given me an object lesson in themselves . . .
when the WTC towers were hit . . .
the rescue workers were probably aware of a few things right off the bat . . .

  1. people were trapped inside that needed help
  2. the building could very likely collapse at some point
  3. they could help the people inside
  4. they could die trying

consider this . . .
they could have at that point sat down and tried to figure out . . .
how much time they actually had before the buildings would collapse . . .
the reasons why this happened . . .
the possible cost of the damage . . .
but they realized that their time was better spent getting in there immediately . . .
and making themselves available to save as many as possible . . .
and pull them from possible death . . .
they must've known the risk they were taking . . .
and they did it anyway . . .
and the towers did fall and many of them lost their lives . . .
it's very tragic, but the example is plain and easy to see . . .
they were willing to risk their lives, for the chance of bringing others from death to life . . .
how much more should we be willing to jump into the wreakage that lies in wake of these events . . .
and these times . . .
to bring others to Christ . . .
they are calling out from everywhere, 'help us' . . .
once we are Christians, our eternity is secured . . .
we risk nothing . . .
why then won't we save the lost?
our time may be short . . .
if we discover the exact timeframe of what is to come . . .
will it in any way prevent that which is willed by God from happening?
May the peace of God our Father be with us all . . .


14 September 2001

CD of the day:

I have built you up in power
and established your feet on the hilltops
I have guided you with wisdom
and placed you above all
I have reared you in love
you have lacked for nothing . . .

What more shall I do?
What more shall I give?

Your hearts have become hardened
now they shall be broken
Your ears have been cold to My teachings
now they shall fall deaf
Your eyes have strayed from My glory
now they shall be blinded

What more shall I do?
What more shall I give?

How shall I get through to you?

taken loosely from Isaiah 5:1-7


it was sometime during this morning in the midst of my praying . . .
that it was impressed upon my heart and that came from my lips . . .
"Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." . . .
this is a well known phrase and i always chalked it up to Christ's incredible ability to turn the other cheek . . .
but in my recent studies of God's sovereign will and sometimes how that will is carried out. . .
i've become more aware of this possibility . . .
sometimes our assailants are not aware of their deeds, or that their deeds are wrong . . .
i will not make any claims as to whether their ignorance absolves them in any way from their sins . . .
my heart senses that it doesn't but thankfully God's grace and mercy far exceeds my own . . .
and it is not within my rights to state such claims . . .
but it is clear that God will allow people and in some cases actively cause them to unknowingly carry out evil plans . .

   " . . . he places in the jaws of the peoples a bit that leads them astray." Isaiah 30:28

Christ's death is the greatest example of this, as the people who carried out the actions against Christ . . .
could not have possibly known the ramificationsof their deeds . . .
it never would've come to pass if they had . . .
and in this case also, it is likely that these hi-jackers had an ounce of idea as to what they were doing . . .
in fact, they were so far lead astray, that they may have been convinced that it was right . . .
now keep in mind, i am not excusing them of this heinous act . . .
they still face the consequences of Sovereign God . . .
who works all things for the GOOD of His people, and is not willing that ANY should perish . . .
we need to be careful when we respond to this tragedy in anger as it could not have happened . . .
unless it was part of God's ultimate plan . . .
thus anger at those involved, though a natural response, is also in some degree anger towards God . . .
we are called to be a people of love, even towards our enemies . . .
and we can't do it alone . . .
there is no way for us to truly love our enemies, without first truly giving ourselves over to God's control . . .
we must pray for God's grace to be deeply seated within our lives . . .
and continually repent when we fall short . . .

i was awakened this morning around five am enveloped with fear and sadness . . .
though i have no idea why this fear was so prevelant at that particular time . . .
perhaps it will be revealed to me later . . .
it was very real . . .
my chest felt nearly collapsed as each draw of breath brought jagged pains . . .
my stomach of course was wrenching in efforts to expel its contents, angered that it had nothing left to give . . .
my head was spinning and my thoughts a blur . . .
my body trembled . . .
i spent the next two hours in prayer aware that there was a literal war being waged within me . . .
i share this with you so that you will be encouraged and cling ever-so-tightly to God and His words . . .
as this battle raged, i remained in prayer and in the midst of absolute fear . . .
i knew He was with me, protecting me, preparing me for the coming days . . .
i am confident that the future will be challanging and i pray for God's peace to be with you . . .
He will be our comfort . . .
He will protect us from harm . . .
He will keep us for His own . . .
He will NEVER forsake us . . .

"I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer;
my God is my rock in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies."

- Psalm 18:1-3

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are saved."

- Proverbs 18:10

i pray God's blessings and mercy cover you this day . . .


13 September 2001

CD of the day: my mix for continued courage and action

know that this is a serious time in our lives . . .
i pray for the strength and courage of God to be with all of you in the upcoming days . . .
now more than ever we must be continuously in prayer . . .
and praying not for ourselves or our comforts . . .
but for the will of God to be fulfilled . . .
that multitudes will realize this tragedy as the wakeup call they needed to get their lives on the right track . . .
the next days will bring us a wide variety of emotions . . .
sorrow, anger, confusion, doubt, uncertainty . . .
but in all this we can be certain that God is sovereign and in complete control of all that is going on . . .
we are under attack and our enemy is strong and cunning . . .
but God is greater, and He will be our hope and our comfort . . .
He will not forsake His people . . .
[ become a family member ]
i have felt challanged and convicted . . .
i remember you always in my prayers . . .
the challange i pass on to you . . .
we must lay aside our own ambitions and prepare ourselves for the time is at hand . . .

"Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:13

now more than ever questions will be raised, answers will be sought, confidence will be shaken and in some cases will crumble . . .
i ask you to join with me and commit your ways COMPLETELY to the Lord . . .
we need to be available to answer questions, and do our part in seeing God's power through this catastrophe . . .

"But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, . . ." - 2 Tim 3:14-16

my prayers are with you in and i ask you for yours as well . . .
please contact me with any questions . . . [ svf@five13design.com ]
this website updated twice daily with my thoughts, prayers and concerns is as follows . . .
www.five13design.com/spiritvflesh
please read and pass this along to everyone you can think of . . .
in Christ's service . . .
b douglas gilbert

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:30-31


You have brought me to a field . . . .

fog has settled in the field
i cannot see my destination
i cannot see from where i came
i stare unsure of my location

fog has settled in the field
my vision is unclear
fog surrounds me and covers the path
i cannot make out the way

the field begins to rumble
trembling my eyes search for You
where is Your direction
where am i to go

fog has settled in my spirit
though i know you are there for me
i cannot see and begin to doubt
i have begun to sink

fog has settled in my spirit
indignant, i call out to You
why have You forsaken me?
father give me guidance

my spirit begins to stumble
i glance down at my feet
i clearly see the path on which i stand
You have kept your promises to me


Father You have never left me
as far as i have strayed
Father You have always kept me
by my side you ever stay
Father You have not neglected me
despite my doubts and fears
Father You have not forsaken me
though i think it through my tears
Father You have always forgiven me
when i have been bold enough to ask
Father You have always loved me
i pray you help me complete this task


Father i know not Your ways
yet i beg to understand
i cannot see where you are leading
- i pray to not go astray

Father i know you are powerful
yet i feel helpless and weak
i cannot do a thing without you
- i pray you do not go away

Father you promised to be faithful
yet i have failed you in many ways
i cannot live without your comfort and strength
- i pray you be my guide

Father you have never left me
yet i have doubted and felt alone
some things don't make sense to me
- i pray you break my pride


12 September 2001

CD of the day: my mix for resolve

i will attempt to further complete my thoughts from the 10th . . .
if for no other reason than to focus on something other than the events of yesterday . . .
and also because it ties in very well with my thoughts on those events [below]. . .
i was discussing the benefits of witnessing . . .
and i have come up with a theory that there are no benefits to the one who witnesses. . .
now i'll discuss some reasons why i've come to such a conclusion . . .
first, the Bible says we will face persecution for proclaiming the name of the Lord . . .
we will be taunted, rebuked, considered unsound and that's just the light stuff . . .
if we make it to certain places in time . . .
we will be thrown in prison, tortured and maybe even killed . . .
hmm . . .
i don't recall any mentioning of rewards, fiscal or otherwise while you are in this world . . .
of course, you will be comforted and protected from being overcome by these attacks . . .
but this is provided because you are a Christian and not simply because you witnessed . . .
Oh, by witnessing and succeeding in leading another to Christ, you may feel a sense of accomplishment . . .
as well you should, but at this, we must be careful . . .
a healthy sense of delight can quickly become a sickly case of pride . . .
fyi, once you begin to share your faith, you earn the label of a dangerous asset to the ranks of God . . .
hence you become a target for the vicious temptations and threats of the enemy . . .
we must be careful to not brag about the fact that WE brought someone to the faith . . .
We mus instead boast in the grace and glory of God. . .
so that pretty much sums up the temporal, how about the eternal . . .
i've heard it said on numerous occassions that your rewards will be waiting for you in heaven . . .
well, i have a bit of a problem with that too . . .
certainly it will be great to see souls in heaven that you helped send there . . .
the implication in this thought is that you can somehow earn a "better" heaven . . .
as if to say that if you bring 5 souls to God, you get a premier rank . . .
i can't buy it, there is too much in the Bible that speaks to the opposite . . .
as far as i can tell, heaven IS the reward . . .
this place is far greater than we could ever imagine . . .
we are given this reward for our faith, not because we witnessed . . .
although here's the catch . . .
true faith is such that you can't help but share it . . .
and i will not stand to be misunderstood, so i will end this with words from Jude . . .

        

"Be merciful to those who doubt, snatch others from the fire and save them; to others show mercy, mixed with fear - hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh"
- JUDE 22-23 (NIV)


a cup is placed before me
evil boils within it
i know that i must drink it
Your will and not my own.

father this anxiety is crushing me
i am not strong enough
i pray you stay with me
i cannot make it alone.

this cup before me i cannot drink
fear shakes my inner being
i tremble at the very thought of it
i feel my body and soul bleed.

father take this cup from me
i am unworthy of this divine task
i recognize your sovereign will
i realize the need.

i grasp this cup before me
these fingers that have sinned much
are strengthened by your might
i feel your power.

father take this cup from me
i beg you let it pass
father i pray your will be done
strengthen me this hour.


i have spent much time in thought and prayer and i have been broken. . .
the night as can be expected with this level of anxiety in my stream was long . . .
intermitten trips to the bowl for clearing acid from intestine and just a general discomfort . . .
it's hard to imagine that any human can possess the spirit of evil to the extreme it would take to plan this out . . .
then again it is all too easy . . .
i'm pretty convinced that i have been plagued by some level of attacks throughout my life on that plane . . .
but one can never be certain. . .
i have had conflicting thoughts in my head for as long as i can remember . . .
boosting my confidence in the same breath as a rebuke for my arrogance and pride . . .
and i've seen things . . .
i've seen evil in its raw form . . .
i have looked in the eyes and shuddered . . .
in the past i've been fearful and i've fled . . .
i know this time is not the time to flee . . .
that may be why this is hitting me as hard as it is . . .
not that i'm not grieving the loss that i sense is felt as a nation . . .
i have broken down at each instance of violence in this nation . . .
senseless shootings, violence in schools, hate.
but this is different, it has a different taste. . .
there is much more to this than will be realized until its time has passed . . .
i'm not making any claims of prophesy, but it is certainly no time to flee . . .
a weaker nation would've crumbled from a blow like this . . .
i only pray that our nationalistic pride will not keep this event from bringing this country to its knees . . .
now more than ever, we need to be a nation of prayer . . .
our resolve that "cannot be shaken" must ever more be that of submission to God . . .
a moment of silence is not enough, there has been too much silence . . .
the time has come to take action . . .
we must actively witness, and bring others to the truth . . .
let us not expect this to be an easy task, for it will not be . . .
but we MUST . . .
the first hurdle we must pass (at least i have to overcome) . . .
is this feeling of inadequacy . . .
instead of moping about it, we need to use it to motivate ourselves to get prepared . . .
for the time is near . . .
if America gets through this catastrope . . .
which we may or may not . . .
we need to understand that it was by the power of God and NOT the United States . . .
sure, our government is strong, our nation is great, our people are powerful . . .
BUT WE ARE NOTHING WITHOUT GOD . . .
to forget this would be foolish and we have been foolish . . .
let our prayers be continuous as our nation faces this great ordeal . . .


11 September 2001

CD of the day:

honestly i have no idea what to say and yet as i writer i have so much to say. this all seems so unreal and yet at the same time is is so hauntingly, chillingly real. Knowing that i have nothing to truly fear, i still fear. i cannot believe this, yet i know it to be true. i feel the evil, the thick black hand gripping this event. i have felt this level of evil before and recognize the tone. my mind screams nothing good will come of this and at the same time i know that God will work ALL things for the good of His will. it's at times like these i realize how little i know of important things. How little i've done. all my accomplishments, all my possessions, all my goals are merely temporal. i realize how little i have actually read of the Bible and how much i skimmed or skipped over. i can't help but realize that i have blown it in so many aspects of my life. i am overcome by helplessness when i should be bolstered by the strength i know exists for my benefit. i know God cares for me and loves me and will keep me as His own. and i can't help but feel as though i have let Him down. I have spent so much time exploring for new talents that i have neglected the ones i knew of. i have stretched my resources to a point where i have become a mediocre vessel. my only prayer is for God's direction and guidance as i devote all i have left solely to Him. i am so worn down that i know i need rest and at the same time i have so much to make up for . . .


10 September 2001

CD of the day:

the "benefits" of witnessing. i've been thinking a lot about the will of God and finding your life's role in the realizing that will. As is often the case, i was sidetracked in this thought process recently and taken down the following path: it has crossed my mind, what benefit do i gain by witnessing to others? What do i earn by leading another to Christ? Certainly there are no temporal rewards. If anything it wlil make my life more difficult as at that point i have acquired a student of sorts who will look to me for an example, look to me for the wisdom to answer their growing theological questions, look to me as a stumbling block when i fail. Moreover, i will be attacked with more ferocity by the evils of the world as i will have attained a level of "threat" that will draw the attention of the netherworld. i will likely have a degree of pride as i have indeed accomplished the greatest of goals. All this to say that my rewards will certainly not be attached to me in this lifetime. This is not to say that it isn't a good thing to witness. It is undeniable a requirement of true Christianity. You MUST share the gospel in some shape or form as part of your daily walk with Christ. Moreover, as a Christian, it is almost impossible NOT to witness. Whether by words, deeds or both, your life cannot help but to be completely different than that of those who aren't Christians. There will be as they say a peace about you that will invade the life you lead. so what is to be the reward of sharing this peace? i have heard it said many times that if you in the "business of saving souls" or witnessing to others and leading them to Christ, you will be met by great rewards in Heaven. Well, after marinating on this idea for a while, i've come to the conclusion that i don't buy it. Again, let me clarify that i am NOT saying that there is no point in witnessing - i am simply saying that you will be no rewards as you can possibly conceptualize.


5 September 2001

CD of the day:

again, i'm disorganized and lost in less than thought . . .
i am working on a schedule and hopefully will be back up to speed soon enough . . .
very worn out from this illness . . .


4 September 2001

CD of the day:

it has occurred to me that i am easily distracted . . .
and because of that, i am out of time today . . .