27 June 2k2

man i'm dragging today . . .
i don't know what it is, but i'm tired . . .
so, i'm listening to the latest PAX 217 album (Engage) . .
and it's funny because this is an album i passed over when it came out last month . . .
largely, i think because i overshadowed it with my excitement for Fireproof. .
Anyway, Engage is nothing short of amazing . . .
it's a bit heavy for those who like to ride on the softer side . . .
but the lyrical content is stellar . . .
many songs are a call to action and it has really fired me up . . .
(so i suppose that is good that i got fireproof first . . . )
anyway, this is the new look . . .
i've actually had it ready for a while now . . .
but i was trying to make sure it was bug free and stuff . . .
also, i actually recovered more of my archives . . .
though, there still is that "dark" period of time . . .
i have no idea where any of that stuff is . . .
or if i even wrote anything . . .
i did find a claim that i had written in February 2001 that homepage.com (RIP) corrupted that month's bit of writing . . .
but who knows . . .
i did notice that i used to write longer, more focused entries when this journal began . . .
hmmm . . .
i wonder what has happened . . .
well, i don't think i have anything profound to say at the moment so i'm gonna stop wasting your time . . .


25 June 2k2

briefly, as i'm gonna try to get a little more reading done tonight . . .
that and my power cord is driving me nuts . . .
as it doesn't seem to be connecting on all points . . .
thus the laptop keeps bouncing back and forth between AC and DC . . .
or some other electrical terminology that makes sense . . .
so there is a big concert in my neighborhood today and traffic was backed up for miles . . .
lots of fun on the evening commute, let me tell you . . .
Anyway . . .
on the music front . . .
i read an interesting interview of a Christian music group . . .
recording on a Christian music label . . .
haranguing the Christian music industry . . .
--// my apologies . . .
my thoughts were preempted . . .
by this tribute to my great grandmother \\--

24 June 2k2

---PhaseTwo---
hey, i am writing again . . .
like i'd hoped . . .
well i am working through my reading list . . .
read a chapter today in bringing up boys by Dobson . . .
and man, i'm learning about myself . . .
why i react the way i do to things . . .
why i do what i do . . .
it's really good reading . . .
much more eye-opening than i thought . . .
here i am trying to equip (ahh, bad work-related word) . . .
myself to better raise my son when he arrives . . .
and i am shown how to better grow myself . . .
funny how God works that way a lot . . .
anyway . . .
some wacky neighbor of mine is shooting off fireworks already . . .
well, i guess they are just as fun today as any other day . . .
except, isn't it funny how they are illegal to shoot off . . .
but it's okay for the vendors to set up shop in every parking lot around here . . .
talk about temptation . . .
anyway . . .
i know there was something else i wanted to write tonight but it seems to have escaped my clutches . . .
could've been about Bush's plans for the Middle East speech from this afternoon . . .
could've been about the rapture index that i came across . . .
or the Time article about the end of the world . . .
but i haven't finished reading it yet . . .
or the new design, i am finishing up . . .
maybe tonight's the night . . .
maybe i'll remember tomorrow . . .


--PhaseOne---
hopefully, this is just a brief note . . .
that will be followed up later in the evening by a more extensive discourse . . .
i am taking a breather in the redesign process . . .
i've just become so overcome with distaste for the concept of self importance . . .
another time . . .
anyway . . .
here's a thought i've been kicking around today . . .
the harder you allow your heart to become . . .
the more likely it is to be broken . . .
okay, hopefully, i will write again tonight . . .


21 June 2k2

i know that this is a topic close and important to me . . .
as i am flooded with thoughts and ideas . . .
barraged by distractions . . .
i will press on . . .
and try to define the artist . . .
as i will be defining myself as well . . .


so i've been reading a lot lately . . .
perhaps not as much as i have in the past . . .
but more than in the recent past . . .
and i've been focusing in on books that will . . .
help me . . .
umm, find my muse as they say . . .
find my writing and artistic way . . .
anyway . . .
in particular, i'm poking through a book by my former professor in college . . .
Grace is Where I Live by John Leax . . .
amazing book . . .
amazing concepts . . .
amazing honesty . . .
and the crazy thing is that as i'm reading it . . .
i'm realizing that these are all concepts i've pondered . . .
these are all issues i've grappled with . . .
these are, for the most part, conclusions i've drawn . . .
not that i'm better than that . . .
but it's the reassurance that keeps me reading it . . .
the raw honesty that's helping me see where i've been and where i am . . .
and how to proceed . . .
anyway . . .
off to dream . . .


20 June 2k2

so i'm on the train on my way back home from an entirely unproductive day . . .
well, not entirely . . .
anyway, if we arrive on schedule which isn't likely since we left late . . .
i still have another 45 minutes or so . . .
at least my return is much more pleasant than my departure . . .
besides it not being a rushed, 5 am scamper from here to there to there to there . . .
i am having no difficulty keeping my stomach from erupting with vomit . . .
it was a rough morning trip. . .
it was like being on a roller coaster with the stomach flu . . .
except, everytime i checked, i had over an hour to go before the ride would reach it's end . . .
anyway, i recovered . . .
and that is all inconsequential nonsense that you just read . . . because you thought it might be significant . . .
HA . . .
anyway . . .
that is indirectly a fairly decent lead in to my next topic . . .
artists, writers, and the like . . .
we are a strange breed . . .
i've heard that music is poised to relinquish its relavancy and its status as a platform for perpetuating growth of the mind . . .
but that's a seperate thought entirely . . .
you see how it is being artistic? . . .
i would have stayed on track, but if i hadn't typed that line out just then . . .
i may have never remembered to revisit that issue . . .
we just passed through Baltimore . . .
anyway . . .
i can almost never go to my bookshelf to grab a book . . .
even if i have a specific book in mind . . .
and not walk away with two or three i want to read as well . . .
. . .


19 June 2k2

so just a few quips for today . . .
it's been a while since i just spouted off random thoughts . . .
so here goes . . . .
have you noticed that the shorthand for postmodernism (pomo) . . .
looks a lot like the word porno in many fonts? . . .
well, they are both perversions of truth . . .
and upright thought . . .
anyway . . .
is it just me, or are the "news" channels riddled with idiocies . . .
i happen to see one on all day at work without volume . . .
which isn't generally a bad thing .. .
anyway, i see these stupid, sensationalist headlines all day . . .
i now know where failed stand up comedians find employment . . .
Anyway . . .
i watched Black Hawk Down the other day . . .
ugh . . .
mixed emotions on that one . . .
i literally got nauseous when i was confronted with such a vivid picture of the evil in the world . . .
on the flip side, it was refreshing to see that the innate goodness of mankind . . .
which, in light of my neighbors, and everything else going on around the world . . .
i had almost begun to doubt . . .
all in all, it was a very well done movie . . .
i'm just not sure i really wanted to have such a realistic picture of that subject matter . . .
anyway . . .
i learned this new web development technique recently and am really digging it . . .
and i've put it into practice too . . .
for a humorous fantasy football league website . . .
and the new Universal Royalty Online web presence . . .
i'm very pleased with the results . . .
and i've realized in revamping the ur site how far i've come in this here industry . . .
over the last year and a half . . .
if only i could take such strides in other avenues . . .
but, all in due time . . .
anyway, if you haven't guessed already . . .
i believe that this site will get a slight facelift soon . . .
Anyway . . .
i'm going up to NYC tomorrow . . .
just a day trip . . .
crazy work requirement . . .
but hey, that's 6 hours on a train, when i can read, write, and reflect . . .
then again . . .
ugh, that's six hours on a train . . .
one last, somewhat disturbing thought . . .
with all these advances in science and genetical engineering and such . . .
it occurred to me that perhaps scientists will make it possible for the antichrist . . .
to enter the world through a virgin birth . . .
i keep waiting for the headline . . .


16 June 2k2

Fathers Day.
my first. . .
sure, i can't hold my son yet . . .
but he's alive and well and it is amazing to me . . .
i realize more and more how much my own father has done and meant to me over the years . . .
in fact . . .
i offer this Father's Day verse as a tribute to him below . . .
though, it's not much and he deserves much more . . .


you've taught me so much through the years
with your words
through your actions

you've guided me; kept me on balance
with the ease of inactivity
through the wisdom of silence

. . . things i realize more each day . . .

{thanks}


anyway . . .
i have a lot of ideas and stuff in the works currently . . .
and in efforts to gather myself and be more effective . . .
i have compiled a list of said goals on what i call my plate . . .
yeah, there's probably more but it's a start . . .
and i will get back to this topic below of artists and artistry . . .


14 June 2k2

grrr . . .
stood up . . .
i could spit. . .
and cry at the same time. . .


13 June 2k2

Artists. who are we and what drives us . . .
hmmm .. .
if only i could find out what derails us and prevent it . . .


12 June 2k2

i want to, i really do . . .
but it's late . . .
real late . . .
and i've been pre-occupied . . .
maybe in the morning . . .
i mean, later in the morning . . .

8 June 2k2

i have a lot on my mind, how about you? . . .
so i finally saw Episode II today . . .
and i must say, George Lucas has outdone himself from a marketing standpoint . . .
besides a compelling film on many levels . . .
we have cruiser chases tailor made for an IMAX ride . . .
fight scenes and action sequences that beg to be played out on your PS2 . . .
as well as plenty of new characters for action figures . . .
and of course there will be the DVD, Special edition DVD and all that jazz . . .
but hey, it was a great flick . . .
perhaps the biggest downside is that in connecting the five movies to date and in anticipation of the sixth . . .
EII presents an awful lot of information to take in at once . . .
guess i'll have to see it again . . .
. . . but you counted on that, didn't you George . . .


so i went out last night and watched one of my co-workers become the stereo-typical drunken fool . . .
(hiccupping and all) . . .
and another wasn't exactly putting her best foot forward . . .
and i got to thinking as i often do . . .
about why we as people do what we do. . .
what a price we pay for acceptance . . .
or to leave burdens behind for a while . . .
and i was re-affirmed in one of my common convictions that compromise is often not a good thing . . .


Also somewhat related . . .
it's curious and saddening that as a society . . .
we often think that we have the right to do whatever we want . . .
which we do, God gave us that right . . .
but then we also believe that our complaints regarding our consequences are justified . . .
which they are not . . .
how hard is it to realize that there are consequences for each of our actions . . .
and that some of those consequences are not going to be pleasant . . .
sure you have the right to lie, steal, kill, whatever . . .
that's your choice . . .
but there are consequences for these actions and when they come . . .
here's the tough part to swallow i guess . . .
THEY ARE YOUR OWN DOING . . .
someone i know has two children out of wedlock, each with a different partner . . .
and she was complaining to me that she can't find a good guy that will be there for her . . .
and here's the quote . . .
'so i asked God why he was doing this to me, making my life so hard . . .'
oh, i about flipped . . .
are you kidding, i'm thinking . . .
how about, why have you done this to yourself . . .
and why are you blaming God?
but, God is in control of everything, so he's causing this to happen . . .
yep, God is in control . . .
God is sovereign . . .
in His limitless love and understanding He granted us freedom of choice . . .
and using His infinite wisdom, He created logical and suitable consequences for our decisions . . .
simple as that . . .
now stop whining and behave . . .


let's see .. .
okay, one more for the road . . .
there's so much i could say about this Tyson/Lewis fight tonight . . .
but for now, let me just say . . .
i have found startling similarities when comparing Mike Tyson and Clubber Lang from Rocky 3 . . .
and with that, i believe it is finally time for bed . . .
even with the hockey game up in the air . . .
i'm pretty confident that Carolina takes this one . . .
they win a lot in OT . . .
adios . . .

6 June 2k2

so i got blood drawn today . . .
mmmm . . ..
as i'm thinking of it now, it really has no bearing on the rest of my day . . .
but i was a bit worried about it beforehand . . .
simply to find out it was no big deal . . .
now i wait for the results . . .


so, here's a paradox . . .
i was talking about Heaven the other day . . .
and found it to be a "hard sell" . . .
(to a 6 year old, anyway) . . .
when asked if in Heaven, we would be granted all the "stuff" we desire and ask for . . .
i tried to explain that we would not likely need or desire material possesions . . .
(though in retrospect, a simple yes answer would have probably worked too . . .
and maybe a 'but' clause that we wouldn't really desire material possessions) . . .
well, this brought out a disheartened response . . .
and the comment in disappointment 'oh yeah, all we do is sing worship songs' . . .
i tried to explain that to be a good thing . . .
to no avail . . .
allow me to pick up where i failed . . .
a pretty hot toy on the market nowadays is called RokenBok . . .
as the sets are pretty pricey, one is pretty fortunate to have even a small "starter" set . . .
but what child with a starter set doesn't dream of a bigger set? . . .
maybe a room full floor to ceiling with RokenBok . . .
(all right, RokenBok is too abstract for me as it is a largely unfamiliar product to me) . . .
HotWheels, yeah, i grew up with HotWheels . . .
so, when i used to play with my HotWheels cars, i imagined they were more than their limitations allowed . . .
as i played, i often dreamed of bigger versions . . .
a remote control car, even one of those cool little go-cart-like miniature motorized cars . . .
as a child that often seemed to be the best that could be offered in cars . . .
(so ummm .. .
this may be a big leap of logic here . . .
but it makes perfect sense to me) . . .
so my view of heaven at that age, and materialistically speaking . . .
was a motorized car that i could tool around in the back yard with . . .
when in actuality, Heaven, following this metaphor, was an actual car . . .
exponentially greater than i could really grasp at the time . . .
and once i learned how to drive a real car . . .
i enjoyed it exponentially more than tossing a HotWheels car across a linoleum floor . . . and, perhaps more relevantly speaking, how about this . . .
we sing praise songs to God here and now on Earth . . .
when all that's been revealed to us about Him . . .
and all we can grasp in our understanding of Him . . .
limits Him to being a HotWheels car . . .
when we get to Heaven, and He is fully revealed as not only a real car . . .
but the best imaginable real car . . .
(for my father's benefit, a Corvette) . . .
we will want nothing more than to praise Him exponentially more . . .
so it's not a sentence that's handed down to us . . .
it will be our choice . . .
and it's just that we don't fully understand it all right now . . .


i hope that made sense . . .
maybe it's just too late . . .

5 June 2k2

i have discovered that i am much more receptive in the morning . . .
as i drive into work, i communicate better with God . . .
and i think it's largely because i'm still too tired to argue . . .
and there's not much else i can really do . . .
or even devote my mind to . . .
and it works . . .
and it's for the better . . .


so i've been reading through Acts bit by bit . . .
and i'm often blown away by some of the things i read . . .
Paul, for example, was an amazing man . . .
he appears in court, on trial for being a better speaker than the religious leaders of the time . . .
and he's been brought to trial by the Pharisees and the Sadducees . . .
who disagreed amongst themselves . . .
and instead of defending against the trumped up charges . . .
he manages to get the two groups arguing with each other so they completely forget he's even there . . .
very amusing and effective, although he still ended up stuck in prison for quite a while afterwords . . .
but he didn't care all that much . . .


see, even now, i can't stay focused . . .
maybe i need to write in the morning . . .
off to watch the game . . .


3 June 2k2

hmmm . . .
new month . . .
same re-curring habits . . .
working hard . . .
hardly writing . . .
hmmm . . .
can i . . .
b r e a k o u t . . .?
let's hope . . .


so i was reading in Judges the other day . . .
the story of Samson's life . . .
and, i just can't find anything redeeming about him . . .
as strong as he was physically . . .
(given, it was God's strength through him)
he was very weak in character . . .
i mean, the guy just gave in to his devices every time he had a chance to . . .
even in his final hours . . .
Samson's only thoughts were of revenge . . .
"Please God, let me get them back for putting my eyes out" . . .
it's possible that i'm missing something, but i'm not filling in any more blanks than . . .
say, Mr Wilkinson, *clearing my throat and moving on* . . .
so, what can you take from a story of a sinful man . . .
with no visible signs of a redeeming quality . . .
that God is in control, totally . . .
and that He can use the evil intentions of man . . .
to accomplish His perfect will . . .
anyway. . .
i'm tired how about you?