28 June 2k1

i realize more and more how little control i actually possess . . .
and how blessed i can be simply by accepting that fact . . .
to think that i have allowed my creativity to be stifled by time constraints, disinterest, lack of motivation, and most absurdly, this noble
notion that my words and thoughts may be "too radical" or provocational that God Himself was preventing me from recording them . . .
How silly to allow the thought seeds planted by minions to come to fruition in my life and stop me from doing what i know is right . . .
i think of the times in my life when i've willfull bent my desires and aim by giving God control of my life . . .
(and by 'giving' i mean simply accepting that He is in control whether i admit it or not - to accept this means i actually stopped fighting for this control momentarily) . . .
when i have done this in the past, i have been immensely blessed . . .
it was under these circumstances which i met and was given my wife, my job and my house (for a better deal than expected) for example . . .
all this because i admitted to myself and to God that i have NO control over my life or the proceeses involved in such attainments . . .
Nothing i could have possibly done would have consciously led me to my wife or caused me to realize that she would become one of the greatest blessings in my life . . .
and yet, at the moment i admitted this and called out to God in my confusion and asked him to take control (not only that but to break my will
enough that i would accept His decision) He put us together and began the relationship . . .
now, to work through this process in regards to my thoughts which even at present stray and eagerly escape me . . .
i certainly have less control of my thoughts, the intangible, than i do of my actions, the tangible . . .
and think of the blessings and accomplishments that can be the result of this endeavor (again, i digress) for what constraints can such a thing as
time place on the Master? . . .

"Faith needs exercise to grow"

the whole issue of control, i believe, merits to spur a discussion of faith (of course my mind may simply be wandering again) . . .
Certainly one must have a healthy degree of faith in order to allow for the abandonment of the self-control "jones" . . .
i've been told that i have a great deal of faith and that my actions show that readily . . .
- but i don't see it necessarily or at least it didn't start out that way (as faith). . .
and perhaps it is the mere knowledge of its roots which prevents me from acknowledging what has been determined as faith.
what others may see as faith, as sturdy, strong beliefs, i know grew out of complete desperation, fear and perhaps a small token of hope and faith . .
the amount of faith hadn't even metriculated to the miniscule magnitude of a mere mustard seed (again, i digress, this time with alliteration) . . .
for i surely have moved no mountains in my lifetime . . .
i can hardly bring myself to not detest some of my neighbors . . .
to me, "having faith" implies that a choice was made to follow or accept the rule of Christ in your life and in my history it's been more as if i had exhausted all of my futile efforts and vain attempts to walk in my own strength and i finally resolved to accept the only option remaining . . .
my desperate and fatigued state of being left trusting God and giving Him control the only thing left . . .
so rather than seeing these events as great triumphs of faith in my lifetime, i see them more as failures of my own that have been salvaged, restored, and no doubt added to by God's grace . . .
(He was kind enough to overlook my futility and comfort me with blessings i could never achieve in my own strength) . . .
which is the story of my life and in essence is the story of life . . .
we as God-breathed creatures are here only by His grace . . .
all good things come from God . . .
our efforts to achieve independantly from God represent nothing more than a rebelious chasing after the wind . . .
we must submit ourselves to His authority and refrain from our indignation lest we neglect the nurture that we so vitally need . . .

. . . 7:30 to 8:30 am 28 June 2001 on the Amtrak Metroliner from DC to NYC . . .